Mind Over Matter chapter 3

    So, it’s been a month since that night. Jack’s finished his Pacifist run of Undertale, and Abby and I have stopped getting together… to watch Undertale, at least. We still watch a ton of Jacksepticeye videos, as well as some AVGN and Nostalgia Critic episodes.
    The whole Undertale thing, at least to me, seemed to bring me and Abby a little closer together. I don’t like her, I just… like her. I don’t know, but that’s not I’m talking about right now. You see, the big dilemma right now is this stupid essay I have to write for Confirmation Class. It's all about “serving God”, and “helping others through the church”. Look, I’m all for charity and volunteer work, but even if I do volunteer, I’m not just going to write about my experiences (*looks at reader*).
    I’ve literally been sitting in front of a blank word document for an hour and a half, trying to think of what to say. Truth is, i’m not sure if I even believe any of this. I know, I know, a child, not believing in the bible? How horrid indeed! But, sarcastic comments aside, my guess is that I’m too smart for religion.
    What I mean by is that I look at things too logically. Where some people see a burning bush as a sign from God, I see an extremely religious man hearing voices during a wildfire. Plus, there’s the big thing for me: my sister is technically going to HELL for loving another girl. And as much as I want to make my parents to be happy by believing in what they believe, I l… I lo… *sigh*, I love Emily, and I want to see her happy. And if that means going against what people have believed for literally thousands of years, so be it.
    *Sigh* maybe I should just take a break. Anything to keep me from making an entire religion hate me. Luckily, I get a text from Carly’ “hey, the new trailer is out chwk it out here:,” followed by a link. I guess she had autocorrect off. I follow the link, which leads to holy crap new Star Wars trailer!
    I eagerly wait for the video to load, and when it does, I will destroy you AND your kin, advertisement! I probably look about as angry as a Sith Lord right now. Skipskipskipskipskipskipskipskipskip! Finally, I can skip the commercial and watch my… commercial. Don’t question my logic.
    This trailer is even better than the last one. Although, it does taunt me a little. It’s just like: 5. DAYS. LEFT. I know this, I’ve had my ticket for a month and a half now! But, it does succeed in getting me even more hyped for Episode VII. The only problem is that I have to go to bed now, because I have to go to school tomorrow.
    When I get in bed, Abby’s already asleep. She’s been staying at our house more and more often, something about family issues or something. Since we don’t really have a guest room, I let her share my bed. Yeah, yeah, all you pervs out there are winking at me, but think of it like sharing the bed with your sister (ignore the pervs again). You’re fine with it, but it’s still sort of awkward.
    Anyways, I climb in (changing clothes is for chumps. Plus, there’s a girl here. Not that I would change in front of a guy, but, you know what, nevermind), and pull up the covers. Abby had been asleep before I could give her a goodnight hug (shaddap), so I scratch behind her ears for a couple seconds. Then, I roll over so that our backs are to each other and try to get some sleep. I dream about… you know what, NEVERMIND!
    I wake up in the most graceful ragdoll pose ever. I get up, eat breakfast, brush, shower, y’know. The morning isn’t important, the school day is.
    My first period is study hall, so i get to start the day in Purgatory (YAY!)! The studying dungeons are dark, dank, and probably asbestos infested (one of those statements is true, actually). The uniform grey of the stone walls is only broken by small pools of torchlight. We’re all chained to our seats to prevent escape, if we want to go anywhere we need one of the overseers’ permission. Unfortunately, one of them comes over to me.
    “Mister Watson, you have fifteen missing assignments. What is your plan for getting them done?”
    I close my eyes, take a deep breath, and reach out to the Force. I wave my hand past her face and say, “I do not have to do my missing work.”
    “Yes you do. What’s your plan?”
    “Whelp, I’m out of ideas.”
    She gives me a look that says ‘you’re lucky I’m on parole, kid’. I’m not actually sure if she’s on parole, but hey, you never know. She leaves soon after.
    Since I have absolutely nothing to do, I decide to work on my confirmation essay. Well, the copy that says what I actually think. The turn-in copy will come later.
    First question: “in what ways do you see people serving Christ in His church?” Simple enough.
    “While I cannot actually see people serving God, I understand the Lutheran duties that they Carry out, such as teaching others about the Lord, and helping others in the community.”
    The next one, “In what ways do you currently serve Christ in his church” is easy, too.
    ”I personally do not believe in the christian God, but I do volunteer at church sponsored events such as the Community Table and the Rake-a-thon.”
    Three: “In what ways do you see yourself serving Him through His church in the future?” Short answer: “I don’t”, but i write something down anyways.
    ”While I do plan on volunteering in the future, I won’t be serving a god through it. Since I do not believe in the christian faith, I feel it would be wrong to teach against my personal beliefs.””
    Man, I am blowing through these! Question four: “What qualities would you like to improve to better serve in the future? What qualities do you already possess?” I have to think about this one, but it’s no biggie.
    ”If I do plan on continuing my volunteer work, I will probably need to work on being more on focused on the task at hand. Though, I do feel I am good at being kind and humble.”
    Finally, there’s only one left: “How do we reflect Christ through our service? how  are you ‘being Christ’ to others through your service? (His hands, feet, eyes, ears)” ...I don’t get it. I decide to leave the last part out, since I have no idea what it means.
    “The church reflects the ways of its Lord by being kind to everyone, and by demonstrating their humility by not asking for payment.”
    I thought I did pretty good. I stated my thoughts without stepping on too many toes. But, like I said, I’ll write another one that the church wants to hear. Yeah, it’s a complete cop-out, but this way I don’t have to go through the whole being-disowned-by-christians-for-thinking-that-people-should-be-able-to-love-whoever-they-want thing.
    Whatever. I go to type up the essay on the computer. On the way, I pass my friend Maddie, and my heart twitches against my will. Dang it, I think, control yourself. You’re just friends, nothing more.
    Maddie had been a friend since seventh grade, and… ugh, I’m not thinking about it. Anyways, you probably want to know more about her. Well, she’s roughly my height, with extremely short-cut blond hair, brown eyes, glasses, and only a tiny bit of acne (hey, it happens to all of us).
she isn’t extremely good-looking, but her fun personality and high IQ definitely make up for that. She’s probably one of, if not the smartest person I know. Like Abby, I imagine her with cat ears. When I told her this, she started imagining me with cat ears, and now I can’t comfortably wear a hood anymore.
    As I walk by, my hand lightly brushes the top of her head. What?! She likes being pet! ...I’m not weird, you’re weird!
Anyways, I type up the document and return to my seat. Pinky decides this is the best time to come over and bug me. I don’t actually know her name, but she always wears a pink shirt, so I know her as “Pinky”.
    She, too, talks to me about my missing work. I can’t take it anymore. If there’s one thing I hate in this world, it’s a broken record.
    “When will you realize that I won’t do these assignments?” I say. “Just do what my friends, teachers, and the Lutheran church did, and give up on me!”
    ...I get a lunch detention.
    My next two periods go by without too much excitement. Well, I do give one of my friends $10 to help them with their financial issues, but I agreed to keep it a secret.
    Third hour is math, and I have that with Maddie (Yay! ...Dang it!). We’re just getting a review worksheet for an algebra test, so we get the whole hour to work. We’re allowed to work with a partner, so I plan on working with Maddie.
    I look over, nod to her, she nods back, and I get punched in the arm. I hear a familiar voice.
    “You said you’d work with me today!”
    It’s Emily, and she’s right. I did say that.
    “Sorry, Emily, but I kinda want to work with Maddie today. Maybe we can work together tomorrow, ok?”
    I try to manage a tiny smile, but her stare is burning through me. Even though she’s invisible to everyone else, I’m still terrified as all buals. Finally, she seems to calm down.
    “Alright. I guess I’ll work with Abby today.” She pulls out her a protractor. “But you better keep your promise, or I will cut you.”
    She flashes the protractor menacingly. I gulp. After a couple seconds of tension, She goes to work with Abby, while Maddie slides into her place.
    After working a for a couple minutes, I tell her about giving the money away. She’s friends with the person I gave it to, and she understands the situation. But i am literally taken aback by her response.
    “No, Watson!” she says, “Don’t give your money away like that!”
    I thought that of all people, Maddie would be the most understanding. She continues.
    “Sorry, it’s just I’m not a very trusting person.”
    We argue a bit about the pros and cons of charity, and then we’re silent for a minute. But then, me being the sharpest tool in the shed, I say what I’d been thinking the entire time.
    “If you’re so against helping people, then why did you help me?” I say.
    “I didn’t help you, you could’ve done this assignment on your own. You’re smart enough”
    I look down at my desk for a moment, then say, “I wasn’t necessarily talking about math.”
    She looks puzzled. “What do you mean? I didn’t help you anywhere else.”
    I take a deep breath. “Well, it’s because of your insanity that I started using my planner. And, you keep me determined to get my missing work in. And, you’re pretty much the reason I stayed in this math class.”
    I hand her one of the DETERMINATION cards I made. Basically, they hold little phrases that keep me going. These range from, “The prospect of finally seeing The Force Awakens fills you with DETERMINATION,” to, “The warmth of your sister’s hug still lingers with you. You’re filled with DETERMINATION”.
    The one I handed her says, “The insanity of Maddie’s… Maddieness fills you with DETERMINATION”. She looks at it for a couple seconds, and is about to say something when the bell rings.
    And… she’s… gone. Dammit, I think. I’d been trying to get closer to her for some time now, but I never succeeded. It’s always either something comes up, or I was too nervous. It’s not like I want to date her, I just want to be able to ,i>talk</i> to someone I trust. The only problem is, I don’t trust many people. But, I’ll stay determined, and hope that some day, I’ll find someone like that.
    My next class is God dang it! freakin’ Spanish. Don’t worry, though. I love you guys too much to put you through that kind of torment, so I’ll just skip it. (by the end of this, there will be no fourth wall to break.)
    Finally, The sweet semi-freedom of lunch. Except, I have lunch detention. ...I apologise for what you’re about to read. SON OF A
                                       Please hold, technical difficulties

    *sigh*, well, I’ve got a detention to serve. Before I do, I go to the bathroom, pull out my phone, make sure my headphones are plugged in, load up a music playlist, and put it back. I’m going to be in detention, but that doesn’t mean that I’ll have to be bored. There are earbuds in my sleeve, so I can listen to Undertale music while I stare at the clock. There is a long story behind the art of hiding earbuds, but I don’t feel like writing it right now. When I get into the detention room, I take my usual place in the corner (because that’s where I can hear the voices the best, hee hee). I think of another “DETERMINATION” phrase, so I write it down. “The thought of getting scratched behind the ears fills you with DETERMINATION.”
    After that, I wrote a story about a guy being in detention writing a story. About a guy in detention writing a story about a guy in detention writing a story about… did I hurt your brain yet?
    Detention ends (yay), I go through my last few classes without issue (yay), and get on the bus to go home. The friends that I usually sit with aren’t there, so Abby sits by me. You ever notice how lonely it gets when you have a seat all to yourself? That’s me the whole ride home.

    Well, I’m finally at my house. I need some more soda for my secret cooler, so I bike over to Kwik Trip for some more. Yes. It is December 14th, and there is absolutely zero snow. In Wisconsin. Either we seriously messed up out=r climate, or God just hates us. Or both. Either way, we should be concerned.
    Abby came to help carry the sodas, so we pick up our… $3.75 for a four-pack of soda? Man, our economy sure is great!
    When we eventually get home, I’m surprised by two things: one, Carly is sitting on the couch with Emily, and two, it looks like she’s been crying. Abby and I look at each other, drop the sodas, and rush over to them. I ask Emily what’s wrong.
    She looks like she’s just seen a ghost. And that ghost just tried to rip her limb from limb. Finally, she says in a shaky voice, “Carly… was… She… her parents… kicked her out, for… for being a… lesbian”
    For a moment, I don’t say anything. Then, I’m burning with anger. Like, seeing red levels of anger. Like, Donald Trump levels of anger. I’m pretty much ready to kill, but luckily Abby is there to calm me down.
    “Alex, calm down. We need to be able to think this through. Calm down.”
I’m literally shaking with anger, but I try to calm down anyways. I close my eyes, take a couple of deep breaths, and try to think rationally. I finally calm down, and get right to the point.
    “So, what are we going to do?”
    Emily is quick to answer.”Well, obviously, Carly’s gonna stay here. And if our parents don’t let her, I’ll kick them to the curb.”
    “No, I don’t want to be a burden.”
    I’m still surprised that, even after three years in America, Carly’s still managed to keep her British accent. That’s probably the main reason so many guys are into her, but unfortunately for them, she isn’t into guys, period.
    “Carly, think about it. You’d do the exact same thing for me. And even though I’d complain, you’d still pretty much force me to stay.”
    Emily is smiling, but it seems… fake, like something else is bugging her.
    I want to ask what it is, but my parents walk in at that very moment. Of all things, they ask if my confirmation essay is done. I, for the billionth time this month, desperately wish that they could see my friends, but of course, they can’t. So, to avoid confrontation, I go to my room to write my essay. It really kills me to be doing this after what happened, but I put on my emotional mask and get to typing. Here’s all that I could force myself to write:
    ”In the church, I see people serving Christ by helping others and teaching His Word, while I personally serve him through my learning of the catechism. I will continue to be an active member of the church community when I’m an adult. To do this, I should work on becoming more humble, and work on being more on-time! Even so, I’m still a kind and generous person. Every time we go out and help those in need, we reflect the kindness and humility of Christ Jesus. I look forward to serving Him in the future, both temporally and eternally!”
    This is about as much as I’m willing to write. I feel like every key I hit sends a dagger directly into Carly. I just can’t believe that she was thrown out. And for such a trivial reason, too. I go out to the living room. When I get there, I only find Emily. I sit down by her. I figure this is the best time to ask what was bugging her.
    “Hey, before you seemed like you had something else on your mind. Can you tell me what it was?”
    She jumps like she didn’t even notice me sit down, didn’t even notice me when I was talking to her until I put my hand on her shoulder.
    “Huh?”
I ask again.
    “Well… yes, but…” She looks down before continuing. “Maybe…. could we go to your room first?”
    “Of course.”
    We walked back to my room, locked the door, and sat down on the bed. Emily still looks depressed, but there’s something else… guilt? She inhales deeply, then spills her guts. She doesn't barf, I mean she, like, tells me what’s wrong.
    “Needless to say, it’s been a pretty crappy day (hey, that rhymed!). My girlfriend gets kicked out of her own house, and…” she barely whispers the next part, “it’s all my fault.”
I immediately think of telling her that it isn’t her fault, but I bite my tongue and let her continue.
    “We were walking to her house from school, having some random conversation, and she said something really sweet, and I kissed her, right in front of her house. Her mom opened the door, and… you can probably guess what happens next.”
Unfortunately, I did have a pretty good idea what happened. Her parents must’ve found out she was lesbian, remembered that that’s “bad”, and threw her out for “sinning”. Once again, I felt myself getting angry. I just wanted to falcon-punch Carly’s parents. How could they throw out their own daughter? How do you even think of doing that? I was confused, angry, vengeful, but most of all, scared.
    Even though we were twins, Emily had always been my big sister. She was always there for me, always willing to help with any problem. I try to repay the favor as much as I can, but I just don’t know how to handle this. How are we going to support another person? And if we can’t help Carly, then who can? I have a lot of respect for Carly, she’s really outgoing and ambitious, she’s got a great mind, good sense of humor, and doesn’t take any crap from anyone. I really want to see her succeed, but I’m not sure if that’s possible now. Emily and Carly are such great students, but this might keep them from doing their best. I’m just afraid for their sake, and I still don’t know how to deal with this.
    I swallow this, though, and try to comfort Emily some more.
    “Come on, you know that it isn’t your fault. You were doing something sweet to someone you love. The only blame is on her parents. They’re the ones who abandoned her over this.”
    “But, If I just realized that her house was right there, we wouldn’t be in this mess. My feelings got the best of me, and…”
    I have to interrupt her. I just have to. “No. If it really was your fault, Carly would’ve known it. And do you think she’d still want to be with you if it was?”
    “That’s what I’m afraid o…”
    “But, she still came to you. Out of all the people she could’ve contacted, she decided st stay by your side. Look, I don’t pretend that I understand girls, because that would be impossible, but I know that staying with you is her sign that she still loves you.”
Emily actually looks hopeful. I actually… made her feel better? My heart soars, and I continue talking.
    “I know you don’t like bullcrap, so I won’t promise that everything’s going to work out perfect. But, what I can promise is that nobody’s gonna give up on you. We’ll try our hardest to make things right, no matter what.”
    Emily smiled, like she desperately needed to hear that. I wrap my arm around her and just hold her close for a few seconds. Then, she finally pulls away. “I should probably. go be with Carly. We’ll need each other to get through this.”
    She gives me a quick, tight hug, said goodnight, and goes back to her room. It seems like she feels a lot better. I, on the other hand, feel like crap. I feel so useless in all of this. I can’t figure out how this is all going to work out. There are a billion possibilities going through my head, none of them good.
    I stumble back to my room, still trying to come up with some perfect solution, but I just can’t. When I get to my room, I see Abby sitting on the bed, her back to me. I noticed she was listening to “It’s Raining Somewhere Else” by Toby Fox. The only light in the room is the soft glow coming from her phone.
    She notices me come in, so she turns around to face me. Her expression is too much for me to handle. I try my absolute hardest to keep it in, but the dam behind my eyes finally breaks, and tears start streaming down my face.
    Abby holds out her arms and I rush into them. The room melts away from underneath us. My entire world right now is the calm piano music coming out of Abby’s phone, and her warm embrace.
I eventually pull away and get under the covers, but I’m still feeling depressed. I got a hold of myself, and by now I was able to keep my tears in. But, Abby, being the mystical cute neko mind-reader she is, sees right through me.
    “You know, it’s okay to cry sometimes,” She lets out a quiet giggle, “Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone you have feelings.”
    She smiles, letting me know that she’s joking, and it’s that sad little smile that gets to me. My mind is completely at war with my body. My body just wants to curl up and snuggle with her (preferably by a warm fire, with blankets and hot chocolate…), but my mind is telling me, “Hey! That’s super creepy, bro!”.
    Then, she puts her hand on my shoulder, and body nukes brain. I curl up into a ball, and, after silently asking permission, rest my head on her chest and let the tears flow. I don’t know when I finally fall asleep, but when I do, Abby’s arms are still wrapped around me. I have no idea what this will do to our mostly friendly relationship, but one thing’s for sure. It fills me with DETERMINATION.